my canvas is no longer blank...

When I read back my previous post titled 'a blank canvas' part of me cringes and part of me is proud. Those were my feelings at the time, but it didn't take long for those feelings to change. I lost my confidence in the blink of an eye.

Nothing happened; it is as clear as this - one week I felt on top of the world, the next I fell right to the bottom.
And if I was a bit more disciplined about my blogging (curse you, low self esteem!!), I would've taken you on the rollercoaster of good week/bad week. Be glad you just got good week.

Bad Week was bad. I was teary, unconfident, low, and irritable. I talked about it, I opened up. Which helped to a certain extent. By the Thursday of Bad Week, I had done my fair share of soul searching and analysing (over-analysing?). I felt absolutely drained. It is amazing how tiring it is to look at yourself and ask yourself tough questions AND try to answer them.

And then. I came out of a tough talking session to find two of my car windows smashed. You can imagine how much of a low-blow that was! It felt personal, even though I know it wasn't. I was already feeling vulnerable and, in terms of my emotions, exposed. To see such a shocking act of violence (or careless driving??) in front of me like that was....well, shocking. And upsetting. And unfair.

But being melodramatic is something I know I am guilty of on occasions. So I have to be realistic. This wasn't something personal. I - or rather my car - was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Whoever did it had no possible way of knowing that I was already having a Bad Day - not that that would have made any difference anyway!! So there is no point in me going over and over it my head, and over-analysing it. It is what it is. And what it is is £75 down the drain, but not. the. end. of. the. world.


Fortunately, after a good week and a Bad Week, this past week has been more normal. Not one extreme or the other, a wee bit of both. And thats ok. No one is happy all the time, and to be honest, I am just more relieved that I'm not down all the time. Life can feel like a real battle sometimes but so worth fighting. I am so so grateful for everything I have; I am a lucky girl and I know what makes me happy.