As always I struggle with how quickly time flies by, and I find it fascinating how my goals and fears change so frequently in that fast-flying time.
The past four months have certainly been interesting - I found myself signed off from work (it has been 5 and a half years since that last happened), handing in my notice, and embarking on the self-employed journey (eeek!!!). My Munro count, which had seemed so promising, has shuddered to an almighty halt again. My last Munro was 3 months ago, when I went out solo (albeit with Tig!) and thought I was well on track for getting to 50 Munros in 2017.
My moods were up, down and generally all over the place (what's new?).
The main thing I have struggled with in these last few months - although perhaps honestly you could say years - is fear and limiting beliefs.
If I genuinely believe in my heart of hearts that I CAN'T do something, it is bloody impossible to try and do it!
If I am genuinely SCARED of doing something, it is bloody impossible to try and do it.
So taking a huge step into the world of being self-employed, when I don't feel confident or comfortable in my own abilities, is rather daunting. And therefore I haven't felt able to 'push' my creative ventures, which is a bit of a vicious circle - it's too scary to do so I don't do it, then I get frustrated that I haven't done it, annoyed at myself, critical of myself, tell myself I'm not good enough and then definitely don't do it! Breaking that cycle often seems impossible.
There has only been one recent change in my life that has actually given me a bit of self-belief. I've been hesitant to even 'say' it (by which I mean, write it) in case I somehow jinx myself and lose it all. But here goes...
Running.
I've had a love/hate relationship with running for most of my life. Loved competing (and occasionally winning) at school sports, and have plenty of medals to show for it. Got older and discovered beer, so running became far more occasional...then I started to hate it. I couldn't do it, it was too hard.
I ran a 10k in Edinburgh in 2008, plus a section of the Cape Wrath marathon, and the Perth Kilt Run 8k in 2012 - and blogged after that about how running is not for me.
I've always much preferred walking, and the Munros were challenging enough. I was not a runner - it was too hard, and I didn't enjoy it.
I've watched - and been hugely inspired by - my three brothers and their achievements in running over recent years. All 3 have completed marathons - Andrew at Cape Wrath, Ross at Stirling, and Colin in Nice/Cannes and Copenhagen (and more?!). I've been more than happy to be part of the support team, cheering on, making and waving a banner, holding jumpers, whatever needs doing. I am not a runner.
But thanks in most part to Ross, I seem to find myself...running, and thinking about running?!
It started with Dog Jog, at the end of July. I actually enjoyed that - although I found it challenging.
Then Ross mentioned Parkrun to me - and a whole world opened up to me. I've since done five Parkruns, and have somehow knocked over 2 and a half minutes off my time in those 5 runs.
I hate it - and I love it. I find it so hard, but once I am finished I am on such a high and genuinely believe that anything is possible.
Running has thus become my perfect antidote to limiting beliefs - I never believed I could do it, until I actually DID IT. I have proved to myself that I can achieve something - even if to some it may seem something small - and that gives me hope, positivity and happiness.
Who knows what will happen next on the great, wonderful, exhausting, challenging journey that is life...I suppose I have learned that small steps are the way forward. Sometimes 'everything' seems so daunting and scary, so taking things slowly and simply - perhaps one run at a time - seems to be making a difference.
This great blog post about limiting beliefs describes my thoughts and feelings far better than I can: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/overcome-8-common-limiting-beliefs-that-may-keep-you-stuck/
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