Saturday 24 December 2011

Merry Christmas from the Anxious Ambler!

Isn't there just something about this time of year that makes you sentimental and nostalgic? That makes you reflect on times gone by, on what the year has brought you. Of course, Hogmanay brings this too, and I'm already thinking about the highlights and the lowlights of 2011.

Most of all, Christmas is a time to be with family and loved ones; to laugh, to share, to eat, to drink. It is a happy, joyful time.

This evening we gathered, with the ever comforting fire on, the Christmas tree with its twinkling lights, and the gin and tonics in hand. On TV was The Sound of Music, not at all Christmassy, but a classic. 

I've decided that 2012 will be the year that I

Climb every mountain,
Ford every stream,
Follow every rainbow,
Til I find my dream.

It's cheesy - and I love it!!

Merry Christmas everyone! Have a good one!
Helen xxx

Sunday 11 December 2011

And finally! A walk!

I do have to remind myself sometimes that I intended this blog to be about two things: conquering anxiety, and walking. Or more specifically, Munro climbing. I realise the majority of my posts so far have been about the former, and perhaps less of the latter. Now I don't see that as a bad thing - we might differ in opinion over which is harder - anxiety, or mountain climbing. I find them both very hard - ESPECIALLY WHEN COMBINED - but both equally worth discussion.

I knew I picked a dreadful time to start Munro bagging. Or not bagging, as the case may be. September was reasonably pleasant in terms of weather, especially after an awful summer. Surely a good time to start some serious walking? Well, yes, if there weren't other commitments to fulfil. As the weeks have flown by (tempus fugit) the chances to climb Munro Number Two have come and gone.

Schiehallion is clearly not meant to be. After the wee bump, we planned to try again a week or so later. But the day we planned was - of course - the day Scotland decided to remind us we were heading full throttle towards winter. A forecast of 100mph winds at the top, snow, and a wind chill factor of minus 17 was just enough to put us off.

Just enough to put us off Schiehallion that is. Not enough to put us off the Pentlands. I think we - me, Mum, Dad, and Dave - were in the zone for a walk of some sort. Well, I think some of us were more in the zone than others, but thats understandable given the weather conditions of the day.

We set off from Ninemileburn, having left one car there and the other at Flotterstone. We went up, up, up, through the mud, fighting the wind. There may not have been 100mph winds, but they had to have been at least 60mph. However, the sky was blue, the air was crisp, the scenery was stunning.



There are a few themes developing with the walks that I do. They are always always so much tougher than I seem to be prepared for. They always test me so much more than I think they will. Mentally and physically they are extremely challenging. But, crucially, they are always worth it. There is an immense feeling, when you are struggling up a hill and you just don't think you can go any further, but you just have to focus on getting it done. And the relief floods through you when you do conquer that hill. It is a feeling that overwhelms you and consumes you and it is THAT that keeps you coming back for more.


We began with a relatively gentle incline up Braid Law, but with the Kips coming into view ahead of us, it became all too clear that things were going to get more difficult. Fortunately the wind was behind us, so as challenging as the conditions were, we were all grateful that we weren't walking into it. Although it seemed everyone else was - more brave than or us, or just more foolish. Both East Kip and West Kip were tough going. I found myself pondering whether it is more difficult to do one giant peak, or 5 or 6 smaller ones. I'm still not sure. They have different dynamics, and both have pros and cons. This was more of a marathon than a sprint, and there wasn't much opportunity to celebrate on the top of a peak (when is there ever?), because the wind was so brutal. We managed a great compromise though; trudging on over the top of each hill, down a bit...down a bit more...find some shelter from the wind (nigh impossible on occasions!) and then reward ourselves.



Kips conquered. Onwards to Scald Law, the highest peak in the Pentlands at 1898 feet. Just Carnethy Hill and Turnhouse Hill ahead of us...but the legs were already feeling weak from the downs, just as much as the ups. My memorable moment has to be powering up Carnethy after a chocolate break. Don't know where the burst of energy came from (well, presumably the chocolate, but it was out of character) but I ran with it. Not literally, but almost. The wind helped push us up and there was a big sense of achievement about it all.

Another memorable moment was the summit of Carnethy Hill. Made it to the top and found some stone cairns. Well, not really cairns, looked more like craters of stone. It was SO windy, so I plonked myself down in one of said craters, which provided a little bit of shelter. Mum, Dad, and Dave followed close behind, and we all sat. But the wind chill was so biting that it was impossible to sit for long without getting cold.



I got up, thinking the others would follow. The wind was so strong it was almost impossible to stand. When I looked back, this is what I saw:


I love it! Three wee munchkins sheltering in a crater!

Finally, Turnhouse Hill, and views of the final descent. The wind was ferocious and at one moment we were crawling on hands and knees, unable to stand. I don't know how many times Mum reached for her camera and a glove blew away - but we always managed to retrieve it! Who knows what we lost in the Pentlands that day, but we also gained so much. I certainly did.

my canvas is no longer blank...

When I read back my previous post titled 'a blank canvas' part of me cringes and part of me is proud. Those were my feelings at the time, but it didn't take long for those feelings to change. I lost my confidence in the blink of an eye.

Nothing happened; it is as clear as this - one week I felt on top of the world, the next I fell right to the bottom.
And if I was a bit more disciplined about my blogging (curse you, low self esteem!!), I would've taken you on the rollercoaster of good week/bad week. Be glad you just got good week.

Bad Week was bad. I was teary, unconfident, low, and irritable. I talked about it, I opened up. Which helped to a certain extent. By the Thursday of Bad Week, I had done my fair share of soul searching and analysing (over-analysing?). I felt absolutely drained. It is amazing how tiring it is to look at yourself and ask yourself tough questions AND try to answer them.

And then. I came out of a tough talking session to find two of my car windows smashed. You can imagine how much of a low-blow that was! It felt personal, even though I know it wasn't. I was already feeling vulnerable and, in terms of my emotions, exposed. To see such a shocking act of violence (or careless driving??) in front of me like that was....well, shocking. And upsetting. And unfair.



But being melodramatic is something I know I am guilty of on occasions. So I have to be realistic. This wasn't something personal. I - or rather my car - was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Whoever did it had no possible way of knowing that I was already having a Bad Day - not that that would have made any difference anyway!! So there is no point in me going over and over it my head, and over-analysing it. It is what it is. And what it is is £75 down the drain, but not. the. end. of. the. world.


Fortunately, after a good week and a Bad Week, this past week has been more normal. Not one extreme or the other, a wee bit of both. And thats ok. No one is happy all the time, and to be honest, I am just more relieved that I'm not down all the time. Life can feel like a real battle sometimes but so worth fighting. I am so so grateful for everything I have; I am a lucky girl and I know what makes me happy.