...but I have written a review post of every year since I started this blog in 2011 (2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019), usually in the first week of January. Last year was my first attempt to do so with a small baby and it took me until the 31st January 2020 to get round to it. If it's a marker of the craziness of motherhood then things certainly haven't improved given it's now getting towards the end of February!
I have swithered over the last few weeks about whether to even bother doing a recap post of the year that was 2020. It certainly won't be my 'standard' yearly review when I detail month by month all the exciting adventures and life-changing moments that happened.
But I owe it to myself at the very least to try and put into writing what 2020 was for me. Of course it was a completely bizarre year for us all, and we continue to live daily with the changes that seemed so unimaginable this time last year. We're clearly a very adaptable species as things like wearing a mask and social distancing are done without a thought now (well, for the majority of people I think!).
We've all lost out on big things and small things during the global pandemic; those who have lost family members of course having to deal with the most unimaginable loss.
I don't mean therefore for it to sound flippant if I write about missing out on things that are not as devastating as the tragedies that have befallen so many people. I count myself so very lucky that my family have not had to experience such devastation that other families have had to. However I think it is valid to say that 2020 was extremely challenging for me as a new first time mum who suddenly lost the immense family support network I'd relied upon for months.
Ironically, I had literally just finished my counselling for post-natal depression in early March, and although I was hardly under the illusion that I was suddenly 'fixed', I was in a much better place mentally to feel able to go out with Totty (then eight months old) and have new experiences. And possibly even to leave her for a short period of time and do something 'for me'. Prior to this I had been away from her for - at most - an hour or so, and this had been extremely rare. The shock of motherhood and the whirlwind of having a baby, not sleeping etc has been a real struggle, especially those early months. It's not something I've written about in great detail, and to a large extent it still feels very 'raw', but time is a good healer, and some of the issues have become easier to deal with thanks to the gift of time.
So it was frustrating to say the least that when I actually felt finally ready to get 'out and about', the world suddenly came to a standstill and I was stuck. Again. Different stuck, but stuck nonetheless.
When lockdown began I was probably the most scared I had ever been. I had a sense that the world would never be the same again. It all seemed very bleak, and I couldn't fathom the thought that I wouldn't see family for months (although at that point, lockdown was discussed in terms of weeks, and three weeks seemed like a lifetime!).
The stress of the restrictions, the inability to see family, the
constant checking of the numbers (cases, deaths etc), the cancelled
trips and events and plans, the sheer unknown of the months ahead...well
I can't say it was an enjoyable time period for anyone.
With hindsight, now being nearly a year since that first lockdown, I can see there were many benefits of the forced situation we found ourselves in. It allowed Dave and I to focus our sole efforts every day on our beautiful girl - something we did do before of course, but with a bit of added pressure to go places, join groups, meet other people - all things that were very stressful with a new baby! I was very fortunate to be on maternity leave from the NHS at the time, and Dave was able to work from home, so our work lives were largely unaffected - something that would have been a completely different story if we'd still worked in the tourism industry we met in and had worked in for so many years prior to 2018/19.
We tried to find joy in the small things, and we soon got into a good routine with as much fresh air as possible for us all (the nice weather over those months definitely helped!). We got to know more people in the village than ever before, as people stopped to talk far more (socially distanced of course).
I stressed about things like food - we were fairly new to weaning Totty onto solid food, and all of a sudden the panic buying and the stress of going to the supermarket became overwhelming - what if we couldn't get food for our baby? (I recognise in hindsight that was an overreaction but it was all so uncertain when it was new). And definitely don't get me started on people panic buying baby wipes unnecessarily!
The biggest worry of course was getting coronavirus, and the feeling of inevitably that we, and vulnerable members of our family, would catch it.
As time passed and summer arrived, restrictions began to ease as numbers dropped. We were fortunate to be able to spend some careful time with our families - this was especially important for Totty and her grandparents to be reunited.
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| Totty turned one in 2020! |
My maternity leave ended in July and I went back to work, which was a massive challenge. It took a while for it to feel 'normal', and now we're in an entirely different routine. As autumn unfolded and winter arrived, a new rhythm of occasional family visits/walks was enough to keep us hopeful and optimistic about the future. However the Christmas and 2021 restrictions have been very tough again, having had a small taste of freedom.
It was the slowest year and the fastest year - how is that possible? The days often dragged but the weeks flew by. It is a totally different world now than the one we experienced a whole year ago.
I miss parkrun so much - I miss the community and the achievement. My running has really suffered from this lack of structure, and nothing really to train for (and the demands of a toddler, let's be honest). I will never take this simple event for granted again - and I can't wait for that first one back.
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| 1st January 2020 - Loch Leven parkrun |
2021 therefore feels very odd with nothing seemingly to look forward to. It is hard at times to remain optimistic that things will get better. But they will - they have to. It just requires more endless amounts of patience and hope. I'm fortunate to have had my first vaccine, as have quite a few other family members. We have to keep on keeping on and cherish what we do have.
On 31st January 2020 I wrote that '2020 is looking interesting already' - wow, I didn't have a clue what was to come! A year we will never forget, that's for sure.
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| Hats on to 2021! |
