Walking and worrying through winter...

Two months have gone by since I last updated my blog, and I'm not sure where those weeks have gone.

There has been plenty of walking (no Munros, as I suspected), a fair bit of running (including a sub-25 minute parkrun at the beginning of December which I was really chuffed with!), and lots of mini adventures. Safe to say there has also been some difficult times, fraught with anxiety and worrying, feeling trapped in the vicious circle of self-doubt and low self-esteem.

I'm just getting over a nasty two week cold which has limited my activity somewhat. I'm not quite ready to reflect on 2017 yet (that will come next week in my annual round up!) but it has certainly been an interesting and transitional year.

I am already looking forward to 2018's adventures, and am feeling positive about the year ahead (yes that may have something to do with the fact that the number-loving OCD part of me prefers even numbered years!!).

As my writing has been a bit lacking recently, I'll finish this short post with some pictures of the last two months. Tomorrow Dave and I head to Loch Awe for a few days with friends, and I'm looking forward to bringing in 2018 in a beautiful place...

Burleigh Sands, Loch Leven 5th November

My first craft fair! www.facebook.com/cannyhoolitcrafts

So much love for Parkrun!

Walk up from Innerleithan with Dave, Ross & Tig

Maspie Den walk, Christmas Eve, with Dave, Tig & Jock

 

Parkrun with the younger bros, 23rd December

Christmas Eve with the in-laws!

Boxing Day snowman!

A winter wonderland on Boxing Day

Colin above Peebles, 28th December

Running out of my comfort zone...

How can it be November tomorrow?!

Autumn is passing me by and it's looking less and less likely I'll manage another Munro trip this year. Never say never, but I can't see it happening. My target of getting to 50 this year starting slipping in July, when our car got written off. Shortly after that we started a new business and the focus has very much been on that. There have been ups and downs on the road to self-employment, but the ups have sadly not come from heading to the hills.

We did manage to find the time to go on honeymoon thankfully, just a year later than the actual wedding! Iceland has been top of our 'must visit' list for ages, so to actually get there - and find it even more incredible than everyone said it would be - was something very special.

We then travelled from Iceland to North Carolina to see our dear friends Emily and Blair get married. Emily and I have been friends for over ten years, and it was emotional and wonderful to be with her on her wedding day.

I took a couple of weeks off from any real exercise whilst we were away, although we did do a fair bit of walking (8 miles one day just exploring Reykjavik, and hunting the Northern Lights - success!!). As a result I struggled to get back into Zumba and Parkrun, particularly after catching a cold from one of three planes we took on our long journey home.

Having attempted Parkrun whilst not feeling 100%, and feeling so much worse for it, I decided to volunteer for the next couple of weeks. Parkrun of course relies on volunteers, so it felt nice to give something back. It was great to see it from a different perspective - I'll appreciate the words of encouragement from the marshals even more having been a marshal myself.

However this wasn't the ideal preparation for Sunday 29th October, which was the day of the Jedburgh Running Festival 10k...I'd signed up for this back in August after the Dog Jog and my first Parkrun, perhaps over-optimistically...!

Thankfully Ross signed up too, and he was invaluable on the day. The nerves really got to me as I hadn't run 6 miles since 2008 and really didn't know if I was able to. I felt sick with nerves prior to the race but Ross, and Dave (official support team), kept me distracted yet focused at the same time.

Ross and I ran the first three miles together, at a nice steady pace. I think I would have been tempted to go faster, which would have been a mistake. It eased me in gently, and I was able to enjoy the route and the beautiful surroundings.

At the 5k mark Ross set off at a more realistic pace for his abilities, and disappeared into the distance. I kept my steady pace going, but around the 7k mark began to go a bit faster. I probably anticipated the finish a bit earlier than I should have - I knew I still had 3k to go, but I should've kept it a bit steadier and slower to make that 3k a bit less painful!

It was an incredible feeling to cross the finish line under an hour, 55.09 to be exact. I had had no idea whether this was possible or not, having not trained to this distance. I think the adrenaline of the event really got me there, and I enjoyed the run far more than I have enjoyed training runs in Stow at half the distance. There was great support from locals and other runners.

Running for me at the moment is the only way I can prove to myself that I can do anything. It's giving me more confidence in myself, and even though it's hard and frustrating and painful, the sense of achievement makes it more than worthwhile.

Inspired by this leap out of my comfort zone, I've signed up to exhibit at a Christmas Craft Fayre in Galashiels on the 25th and 26th November. I'll be selling handmade photo cards of Scotland, and paper flower decorations. This is something that I have never done before and it is so far out my comfort zone I feel sick just thinking about it...! But that's how I felt before the 10k and I managed that...so fingers crossed I can manage this too. I'm not really giving myself a choice!

From the heart (and feet): Fear, limiting beliefs, and...running?!

It has been a wee while since my last blog, so I thought I'd get straight back in the swing of it with a 'from the heart' post. This is the second post in this "series" (not sure you can really call it that!), the first about my experience with panic attacks. I can't believe that was all the way back in April - I set out to do a 'from the heart' post every month!

As always I struggle with how quickly time flies by, and I find it fascinating how my goals and fears change so frequently in that fast-flying time.

The past four months have certainly been interesting - I found myself signed off from work (it has been 5 and a half years since that last happened), handing in my notice, and embarking on the self-employed journey (eeek!!!). My Munro count, which had seemed so promising, has shuddered to an almighty halt again. My last Munro was 3 months ago, when I went out solo (albeit with Tig!) and thought I was well on track for getting to 50 Munros in 2017.

My moods were up, down and generally all over the place (what's new?).

The main thing I have struggled with in these last few months - although perhaps honestly you could say years - is fear and limiting beliefs.

If I genuinely believe in my heart of hearts that I CAN'T do something, it is bloody impossible to try and do it!

If I am genuinely SCARED of doing something, it is bloody impossible to try and do it.

So taking a huge step into the world of being self-employed, when I don't feel confident or comfortable in my own abilities, is rather daunting. And therefore I haven't felt able to 'push' my creative ventures, which is a bit of a vicious circle - it's too scary to do so I don't do it, then I get frustrated that I haven't done it, annoyed at myself, critical of myself, tell myself I'm not good enough and then definitely don't do it! Breaking that cycle often seems impossible.

There has only been one recent change in my life that has actually given me a bit of self-belief. I've been hesitant to even 'say' it (by which I mean, write it) in case I somehow jinx myself and lose it all. But here goes...

Running.

I've had a love/hate relationship with running for most of my life. Loved competing (and occasionally winning) at school sports, and have plenty of medals to show for it. Got older and discovered beer, so running became far more occasional...then I started to hate it. I couldn't do it, it was too hard.

I ran a 10k in Edinburgh in 2008, plus a section of the Cape Wrath marathon, and the Perth Kilt Run 8k in 2012 - and blogged after that about how running is not for me.

I've always much preferred walking, and the Munros were challenging enough. I was not a runner - it was too hard, and I didn't enjoy it.

I've watched - and been hugely inspired by - my three brothers and their achievements in running over recent years. All 3 have completed marathons - Andrew at Cape Wrath, Ross at Stirling, and Colin in Nice/Cannes and Copenhagen (and more?!). I've been more than happy to be part of the support team, cheering on, making and waving a banner, holding jumpers, whatever needs doing. I am not a runner.

But thanks in most part to Ross, I seem to find myself...running, and thinking about running?!

It started with Dog Jog, at the end of July. I actually enjoyed that - although I found it challenging.

Then Ross mentioned Parkrun to me - and a whole world opened up to me. I've since done five Parkruns, and have somehow knocked over 2 and a half minutes off my time in those 5 runs.

I hate it - and I love it. I find it so hard, but once I am finished I am on such a high and genuinely believe that anything is possible.

Running has thus become my perfect antidote to limiting beliefs - I never believed I could do it, until I actually DID IT. I have proved to myself that I can achieve something - even if to some it may seem something small - and that gives me hope, positivity and happiness.

Who knows what will happen next on the great, wonderful, exhausting, challenging journey that is life...I suppose I have learned that small steps are the way forward. Sometimes 'everything' seems so daunting and scary, so taking things slowly and simply - perhaps one run at a time - seems to be making a difference.

This great blog post about limiting beliefs describes my thoughts and feelings far better than I can: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/overcome-8-common-limiting-beliefs-that-may-keep-you-stuck/

July - like being on a rollercoaster

The month of July started well and it ended well - but I wasn't overly impressed with the bit in the middle!

It started with the loop walk round Loch Leven on Saturday 1st July. Tig and I started at Kirkgate Park and met Dave and his Dad at Findatie. We walked together round to Kirkgate Park. It was a lovely sunny day and there were lots of people on bikes, on foot, walking dogs and enjoying the day.

I was hopeful that July would bring plenty of miles and maybe a few Munros too. However the weather hasn't been great, my mindset hasn't been so great either, and we were car-less for half of the month after an unfortunate collision with a deer.

So maybe the month hasn't exactly gone to plan. But I'm trying to stop 'planning' so much and just go with the flow. Let it be. Each day is a gift and although some may be bad, many many more will be good - or even great!

And that's exactly how the month ended. With some absolutely brilliant days, and quality family time. My Granny turned 90, and my brother and his wife were back from France for 9 days. We had some great get-togethers, and the girls even managed a relaxing trip to Stobo which is always such a treat.

Last week I took the train from Stow to Elgin and joined my brother, sister-in-law, my Uncle and other family members for a few days in Hopeman, where we spent the most fantastic childhood holidays. It was the perfect chance to get away from the things that had been getting on top of me. My anxiety comes with me wherever I go but changing the scenery around me (such as a walk, a hill, an adventure) helps immensely.

One of the things I was most looking forward to was swimming in the sea - it's something we always did on our trips to Hopeman as kids. I love wild swimming but there isn't enough of it in my life. I love the calmness I feel swimming in the sea or in a river. On Thursday evening, as the sun was setting, I took my chance. It was a beautiful evening and - until I nearly touched a jellyfish - I was in my happy place.

I went back in on Friday morning which was the perfect way to start the day before the train journey home.

There was also golf and walking, revisiting old haunts and reliving childhood memories, lovely food and great company.

It was just what I needed.

Yesterday Tig and I, along with Ross and Willow, took part in the Dog Jog in Edinburgh. It was my first run in a long time, and although it was a challenge (running around Arthur's Seat is a somewhat hilly route!) it was great fun. Running with dogs was a first for me, but they both loved it and could have gone on and on I'm sure. Tig and I both have a medal to show for our efforts, which I'm really chuffed with!

I'm a bit sore today so maybe this isn't my return to running...or maybe I should persevere.

If July has taught me anything, it's to stick in and keep going.

Walking in memory of Elliot

Back in 2013 I walked the West Highland Way and had the most incredible week of sun, snow, solitude, and stunning scenery. I walked alone - but not really. I had numerous family members accompany me on the way and actually only had one day out of six that I didn't see or walk with a relative.

One of my favourite memories of walking the Way is from the fifth day. It was the longest day for me, 21 miles from Bridge of Orchy to Kinlochleven. I walked solo for the first 12 miles, to Inveroran and over Rannoch Moor to Kingshouse. Mum walked out to meet me near the Glencoe Ski Centre, and as I approached the Kingshouse Hotel I was met by my cousin Elliot who had our family dog Robbie, then further on my Dad and Uncle Colin.

Dad and Elliot joined me for the section between Kingshouse and Kinlochleven, whilst Mum took Robbie and Uncle Colin took his campervan to meet us at the end.

I was so glad to have company for this 9 mile section. It kept my spirits up on a long, hard day. It allowed special memories to be made - we could never have known then how meaningful these memories would become...

We sadly lost Robbie the dog on 29th January 2016.

Just over two weeks later, in a tragic accident that none of us will ever get our heads around, we lost Elliot. He was 21 years old.

In the weeks and months that followed, family, friends and acquintances have raised thousands of pounds in Elliot's memory for Jessie's Fund, a charity that helps children to communicate through music. Elliot was a very talented musician. As a family I think we will always hold this charity dear to our hearts as it has provided a positive focus after Elliot's death. Dave and I raised money for Jessie's Fund at our wedding, but more impressive than that there have been marathons run and walks undertaken to raise money in memory of Elliot.

I've wanted to revisit the Kingshouse to Kinlochleven section of the West Highland Way for quite some time. As the day of what would have been Elliot's 23rd birthday approached, it seemed fitting to get family members together to walk together in Elliot's memory.

After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing with cars and logistics, we - 10 walkers and 2 dogs - set off from the Kingshouse Hotel at 12.15pm on Sunday 25th June. It was raining, windy and cold. More like March weather than June...

The path and tracks were quite wet, but thankfully the weather did improve as we walked on. The views of the Buachaille, Glencoe and the surrounding mountains were as stunning as always. We took the Devil's Staircase gradually, resting on each zig-zag.

I was surprised to see the 'shop' signs weren't a joke - some kind soul has set up a couple of tents at the top of the Devil's Staircase selling sweets and Irn Bru - brilliant! Just need bacon rolls now...

It was lovely to get to the top of the Devil's Staircase and revisit the highest point of the West Highland Way. But it was emotional to be back here too. I couldn't help but feel the absence of Elliot's presence.

 

We walked on a wee bit further to get out of the wind for lunch, and when we stopped, we raised a wee dram to him. I think he would have appreciated this - on that cold snowy March day in 2013, he ripped his trousers on a fall (from walking too quickly/clumsily!) and must have felt the cold that day!

It's pretty much all downhill to Kinlochleven, but it's further than you think, and I'd also forgotten how much of a slog that downhill section can feel. Eventually we got there, 5 hours after we left.

We got everyone back to Kingshouse to the various cars, and said our goodbyes.

I hope this can be a yearly walk, but in the space of a year there will be other events, fundraising opportunites, and moments of reflection. Elliot will never be forgotten and revisiting this section of the WHW has brought the memories of 2013 back even stronger than ever.

Here's to you ET.