Perhaps it was inevitable after such a big build up to the Edinburgh Marathon (literally over nine months!), and especially so given what an incredible experience it was. There was always going to be a feeling of 'come down' from such an exciting time.
I expected I'd take a few months off running, doing parkrun only, and spend time focusing on getting my Munro count up again. It didn't happen that way...I still haven't bagged a Munro since June 2017, and it's looking even less likely I'll reach my target of 50 by the end of the year (that was also my 2017 target!). I've lost a lot of confidence when it comes to Munro-bagging trips, especially the thought of going solo.
And that's a big part of the mental malaise too. I've struggled to find motivation or excitement for anything really. Sometimes it comes in waves and my mental health can fluctuate between great or terrible. I struggle to ride these waves at times, but I'm more aware of the trends than I used to be, so I can handle them slightly better than previously.
Something I've been trying to embrace recently is the concept of getting comfortable with feeling uncomfortable, and although this applies mostly to my running, I actually think I can put it to use for other aspects of my life too. Be that exhibiting my handmade cards and flowers at a craft fair - massively out of my comfort zone and something I'd generally rather turn down politely then stay at home wishing I'd said yes, but have actually managed to force myself to do recently - or handling challenging situations at work. Sometimes that feeling of being out of your comfort zone, albeit scary and uncomfortable, means that the next time you find yourself in a similar situation, you are able to handle it slightly better. I suppose this means confidence can grow each time you push yourself to do something hard.
This has become very apparent to me through running. I know my blog for the past year or so has predominantly focused on running; it has become the most obvious measure of progress for me, so it's inevitable that it has become the subject of my posts recently. I'd definitely been feeling a bit 'adrift' with running post-marathon, and wrote a blog post in July about the enjoyment factor of parkrun in getting me back into shape, mentally more than physically: http://anxious-ambler.blogspot.com/2018/07/june-and-july-parkrunning-and-family-fun.html
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| Smiling again at the Abbotsford Trail Race, 19th August |
Parkrun will always be a huge positive focus in my life because it has given me so much. I missed my 'one year anniversary' parkrun on the 4th of August due to a craft fair, but celebrated it the week after by attending the inaugural Loch Leven parkrun. This was my first inaugural (should that be inaugural inaugural?) and was well timed as we were up staying with Dave's parents in Kinross the night before anyway - I love that there's now a parkrun on their doorstep! It goes without saying that this is a beautiful location for a parkrun, although unexpectedly challenging with a few inclines in the route! I really enjoyed it, and look forward to going back. I'm also hoping to visit Lanark Moor parkrun soon, which also launched on that same day, as it's half an hour or so from my parents.
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| Loch Leven inaugural parkrun on 11th August - I'm in orange somewhere! |
(All these new parkruns are so exciting and have got me planning so many potential routes in the Scottish Borders!)
I had a wee look back at my diary entry from 5th August 2017, the day I attended my first parkrun:
I know parkrun is not about times, and it's a run not a race. But it's also a very personal journey, and those four numbers you get an hour or so after the run can really change your mindset. I was sure I had plateaued around the 24 minute mark, although I set myself the ambitious target of running under 24 minutes by the end of 2018. At the same time, Ross mentioned he was hoping to run under 20 minutes this year. Vogrie is a challenging course, with a couple of small inclines, often plenty of mud, tree roots and occasional horse poo...but as our home course it's where we wanted to set those times.
I don't know quite what happened last week - apart from it being great PB conditions (dry and a bit chilly!), wearing my road trainers for a change, and Ross and I starting nearer the front than normal - but we both smashed our PBs and achieved our targets for the year. I somehow knocked one minute and five seconds off my time, and almost came close to running under 23 minutes!
It put me in an incredible mood for the rest of the weekend, and into this week! It was so unexpected and has given me such a confidence boost. Yesterday I ran 23.06, and it actually felt okay, so I'm really excited to see where this takes me next! Parkrun gets under your skin in the best possible way, and Saturday mornings will never be the same again.
The running mojo had, incidentally, returned prior to this recent turn of events. In fact it has returned, as suspected, with the prospect of something else to train for...marathon number two in fact! I'll keep you in suspense for now (as I get superstitious about saying which marathon it is and when, just in case it doesn't happen!), but it will be this year and not on Scottish soil. How exciting!
I feel a lot more relaxed with my training this time around, which I suppose you could put down to an element of confidence too. Gosh, I'm not used to having any confidence so it doesn't always sit well with me when I say or write that I have it! However I am at the point where I need to start increasing my long run distances, and for some reason I'm finding that hard to do. I have a 'virtual' half marathon to do at some point soon around Loch Leven, so I'm hoping that gives me the kick-start I need (a brilliant idea by the Kinross Road Runners in order to use up their leftover t-shirts and medals from their half marathon - https://www.entrycentral.com/llvcm - the entry fee goes to the RSPB at Vane Farm and the run can be done at any time before the end of October).
The mountain - or hill-walking at least - mojo also got a wee boost last weekend, with a fantastic Sunday walk in the Pentlands. It felt great to put my walking boots on again, and have Dave and Tig's company on a testing but rewarding route. We set off from Flotterstone and 'bagged' Turnhouse, Carnethy, Scald Law, South Black Hill, East Kip and West Kip, before taking the lower route past Loganlea and Glencorse reservoirs back to Flotterstone. The total ascent on this 11 mile walk is approximately 2950 feet, so it certainly feels like good Munro training!
It goes without saying that my mental mojo improves with every run or walk, yet sometimes the hardest part is getting out of the door. It feels great to be enjoying my running again, but I recognise that my fear of the mountains comes from a feeling of anxiety and lack of confidence. There really is only one way to conquer this - to the hills!
